Tuesday, October 29, 2013

And shorty got low low low low low low low

Well I hit my low *sighs*. Contrary to what some might think not all of us on our lows feel sad, in fact quite often I don't feel much of anything. Just kinda Blah. Like if you asked me the meaning of life I would be like what life, no meaning, and what does it really matter. I just kinda get in this who cares it doesn't matter sort of mood. The world feels empty and void of joy. Don't get me wrong I still laugh at some moments, get irritated at others, and of course I DO get sad from time to time but for the most part it just feels well blah. 

I just don't have the enthusiasm to do the things that I usually do, even the things I love to do like play MMO's. Its like my drive to do things has well..driven off. I know it won't last so I just push through it. I immerse myself into things that normally make me happy, like spending time hanging with my kids watching tv or movies, playing games even if the drive isn't there to do so, and anything that I know will brighten what feels like a dull world at the moment.

Its not easy, I rather just curl up in my bed and sleep or just put my headphones on and watch a movie and tune out the world until this feeling passes but I know that isn't good for me and I can't and shouldn't do that. I am still a mother and a wife, I still have a four year old to take care of and a nine year old to get off to school each morning. 

I tend to joke a lot about my lows, most likely because its a almost laugh or cry situation sometimes. I rather laugh though often I also cry. People often ask me what can they do and there isn't a simple answer. Nobody can fix this or take it away. Were it that easy, none of us that have lows would do so. I tell those that love me, just be there if I need you, listen and try not to get to upset if I seem distant, its not personal. 

I do know my lows aren't as bad as they use to be. I use to drink often when I hit a low which compounded the problem. I just wanted to escape the loneliness I felt. Its hard when you feel like no one understands, that even though you know people love you, you don't feel it. I had feelings of worthlessness and self hate. I felt the world would be better off without me and those I loved would be better off if I didn't exist. 

I still get these feelings once in a while but they aren't as deeply ingrained as they once were and I can usually remind myself that these are false feelings, untrue and unfounded. I do tend to take things to heart more and get hurt though when I am low like this. Example a joking quip on a manic about me will make me quip and joke back, but that same one on a low makes me wonder if that person really feels that way, my mind going over and over, questioning it and myself. I have to remind myself that the person was just joking and that normally I wouldn't think anything of it. It isn't easy.

Of course that is why I am sharing my story and my feelings because it isn't easy and I want others to understand that it isn't easy and for those who go through it to come forward and admit that to those they love, to find that support they really need even if they don't think they do. So for those of you who are keeping up with this blog, feel free to share your own experiences with me. If you rather keep them private, then email me no.rain.bow.bpd@gmail.com . 

And with that I will close for today. I know I am not posting daily, but really my day to day isn't that exciting most likely to anyone but me, its just family life. Though if any of you rather I post each day, feel free to let me know and I will see what I can do. Please feel free to follow me on  Facebook or Twitter for day to day shorter updates. 

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