Life is so strange at times. Recently I found out the person I thought knew me the best, knows me pretty much the least. It makes me sad, not only that he doesn't, but that I was so blind to see that he didn't.
I say life is strange because its weird looking back now and realizing all those years that I thought he knew me, that he understood how sick I was, was all a lie. I ask myself did I just want to think he did. Did I make myself believe he did. It seems almost surreal to be honest and I even feel a bit betrayed that he continued for so long letting me think he understood when in reality he didn't, not even a bit.
Of course if I am honest for many years I barely understood myself, so honestly how did I expect him to. The answer is I shouldn't have. Nobody should just assume others know and understand who you are or what you are going through. In reality if you barely know who you are or understand yourself, and often those of us with bipolar disorder don't, then how can we expect others to. We can't.
This is why I stress communication. Looking back I wished I could have listened more, payed more attention, saw he was as lost as I was in many ways. Unfortunately I was to lost in a dark world, or to busy flying into the sun to see much of anything around me. Now though I see it and now I can educate him on me, on my illness, and help us.
I wish though he would have said more. Not of course during a episode, I couldn't and wouldn't listen then. He swears he tried to speak up then but talking to a person during a mental episode and accusing them of things is like throwing gasoline on a fire. You just get a bigger fire.
There were times though I was calm, in control and I wish he would have sat me down and talked to me. Not yell, not berate, not belittle. TALK. That is what most of us need from our loved ones, our family, our friends. Someones who will talk to us. Tell us how we are acting. I won't lie, we may get upset, mad even, but don't give up, we -will- come around.
You have to understand, its hard to accept you are acting so horrible to those you loved. I have cried so many times along my journey of recognizing my episodes. As I stated though in a earlier blog, at first I wanted to go back to the not knowing. I didn't want to see it. I was shocked, appalled at myself, and embarrassed that I would ever act in such a way especially to those I loved more than my life itself.
We need to see it though.We need someone to point it out, to say I think you need help if they feel that way. Not in a mean or demeaning manner, but in a love and supportive manner. In a I love you and I am worried about you, in a you are important manner.
Reach out and communicate with your friends or family that has or may have a mental disorder.
And if you have a mental disorder, or think you may have one, try to listen to those who care about you. They are telling you things that are hard to hear, but its just as hard for them to say and they are saying it because you are important to them.
Now please don't take my blogs the wrong way. I am not a doctor and I am only saying how I feel. What might work for you and yours may be different. Please please please seek professional help if you think you are bipolar or have any other mental disorder. Together you can decide your best course of action, and ways to educate your love ones and friends.
That is all for now. I know I keep promising to post more and I haven't. I do apologize. I will continue to try, but still may fail at posting regularly. If I do, please try to understand and not be to hard on me.