Tuesday, October 29, 2013

And shorty got low low low low low low low

Well I hit my low *sighs*. Contrary to what some might think not all of us on our lows feel sad, in fact quite often I don't feel much of anything. Just kinda Blah. Like if you asked me the meaning of life I would be like what life, no meaning, and what does it really matter. I just kinda get in this who cares it doesn't matter sort of mood. The world feels empty and void of joy. Don't get me wrong I still laugh at some moments, get irritated at others, and of course I DO get sad from time to time but for the most part it just feels well blah. 

I just don't have the enthusiasm to do the things that I usually do, even the things I love to do like play MMO's. Its like my drive to do things has well..driven off. I know it won't last so I just push through it. I immerse myself into things that normally make me happy, like spending time hanging with my kids watching tv or movies, playing games even if the drive isn't there to do so, and anything that I know will brighten what feels like a dull world at the moment.

Its not easy, I rather just curl up in my bed and sleep or just put my headphones on and watch a movie and tune out the world until this feeling passes but I know that isn't good for me and I can't and shouldn't do that. I am still a mother and a wife, I still have a four year old to take care of and a nine year old to get off to school each morning. 

I tend to joke a lot about my lows, most likely because its a almost laugh or cry situation sometimes. I rather laugh though often I also cry. People often ask me what can they do and there isn't a simple answer. Nobody can fix this or take it away. Were it that easy, none of us that have lows would do so. I tell those that love me, just be there if I need you, listen and try not to get to upset if I seem distant, its not personal. 

I do know my lows aren't as bad as they use to be. I use to drink often when I hit a low which compounded the problem. I just wanted to escape the loneliness I felt. Its hard when you feel like no one understands, that even though you know people love you, you don't feel it. I had feelings of worthlessness and self hate. I felt the world would be better off without me and those I loved would be better off if I didn't exist. 

I still get these feelings once in a while but they aren't as deeply ingrained as they once were and I can usually remind myself that these are false feelings, untrue and unfounded. I do tend to take things to heart more and get hurt though when I am low like this. Example a joking quip on a manic about me will make me quip and joke back, but that same one on a low makes me wonder if that person really feels that way, my mind going over and over, questioning it and myself. I have to remind myself that the person was just joking and that normally I wouldn't think anything of it. It isn't easy.

Of course that is why I am sharing my story and my feelings because it isn't easy and I want others to understand that it isn't easy and for those who go through it to come forward and admit that to those they love, to find that support they really need even if they don't think they do. So for those of you who are keeping up with this blog, feel free to share your own experiences with me. If you rather keep them private, then email me no.rain.bow.bpd@gmail.com . 

And with that I will close for today. I know I am not posting daily, but really my day to day isn't that exciting most likely to anyone but me, its just family life. Though if any of you rather I post each day, feel free to let me know and I will see what I can do. Please feel free to follow me on  Facebook or Twitter for day to day shorter updates. 

Tuesday, October 22, 2013


Well I came down from my manic. First few days really sucked as I felt really low but I finally balanced out a bit and now I just am for right now and that I can live with that.

Of course I couldn't go without one small episode during the blah period. Thankfully it actually was based in something that needed to be talked about which did get talked about and actually improved said issue. I would go into more detail but as honest as I want this to be, that topic is really TMI. So I will leave it alone ;)

Also I was quite irritable and I get this feeling of sensitivity to my skin which always kind of wierds me out, like even being touched irritates me. Thankfully it only lasted a couple of days and then as I said I seemed to level out and now I am just *takes a deep breath and sighs* yea..thats about it. 

Anyway on to other things. SNOW!. We got our first snow today. A bit earlier than usual and I am excited that it may mean a big snow year for our winter. Snow is one of those few things that I find peaceful; angry, sad, mad, upset, watching snowfall just makes it all disappear. So yea I look forward to each winter and snowfall. Rain also has a similar effect. Sun and Heat make me want to strangle somebody. So living in Iowa is a pretty good place for me I think. 

So of course when I saw those big flakes falling from the sky this morning I actually was pretty happy about it despite the fact that I again can't seem to sleep at night and every time I try I wake with a headache.

October has been a busy month. Three of my daughters have birthdays and then of course there is Halloween. This year the oldest decided they are going to stay home and give out candy while the younger ones go Trick or Treating. Not sure if I am just going to get the guys to take the kids and stay home with the older girls or go with the younger kids. Meh I will decide when it gets here.

I am also making one of the girls costume, well half making to be exact..most of it is pre-made but I have to do the right touches here and there to turn it into the final product. Will be the first time I have used my sewing machine since I got it. A bit nervous to use it since it has been a while since I sewed anything, but sewing is sort of like riding a bike, you never truly forget how, you just have to remind yourself that you can do it.

So yea now I am rambling on a bit. Its late and I should be in bed but of course I am anything BUT sleepy. That will happen tomorrow around about 3pm because yea my body seems to think that is the time I should sleep. Grr.... Its okay though 3 months from now that will change and it will be like 8pm and then finally a almost normal schedule again..just to start the cycle all over again.

Anyone else have that issue..shifting sleep patterns. My daughter said she thinks it has something to do with the shifting of our episodes and she is most likely right since of course on a manic I hardly want to sleep at all and by the time I hit a low..its not that I want to sleep but sleeping is better than just sitting around feeling blah about everything. So yea I could see how that could totally screw up my sleep cycles..though I have tried over and over and over again to put myself on a schedule and nothing seems to help. 

Well that is the ramblings of a current bipolar chick up at 1am. If anything maybe I made you laugh. Its good to laugh, especially if you are as screwed up as I am in the head. Sometimes I think if I didn't laugh I would cry. Better to laugh I think.

Soooo..Night peoples. Stay Tuned, more insights to a bipolar mind coming soon. Take care of yourself and each other. Communicate..let me say that again for those who glanced over that word. COMMUNICATE. A key to your success and happiness. I will continue to remind you of how important that word is and what it can do. 


Wednesday, October 16, 2013

Blogging, Communication, & Being ME!

First I appreciate all of you following me on any of my pages. I know I need to write more. It is hard to be honest. I have gone so long without really talking about my inner mind, so worried I would offend somebody, that I find it more difficult than I first thought to blog about my every day. 

Of course I have to combat things like does any one really care about my day? Do I honestly think people will accept me as me? Will it make a difference? 

I know this is part of that negative side of me, my bipolar mental instability that one moment tells me I can save the world and the next tells me the world would be better off without me. Its that same negative Nancy that tells me I will fail at anything I try at.

It really is hard though. So long I have kept my thoughts to myself. Suffering in silence I guess you could say. I talk now with my daughters but for many many years I kept the true pain I felt locked away deep inside. 

I did this for many reasons. I didn't want to seem weak. I felt given in to telling others would seem like I was complaining. I even felt that it would be like letting my illness win. In truth it was my silence and the silence of those who suffered around me that actually -was- letting my illness win. 

COMMUNICATION! Say it with me and say it loud COMMUNICATION!. That is your key to happiness. Your key to helping yourself deal with your mental disorder. Your universal key to Success in most things in life.

Now I am not just talking about communicating with others here. I also mean communicating with yourself. Sounds insane..yes well bare with me and it will all become clear. 

Each day I communicate with myself. I ask myself questions about how I am feeling. If I get upset I ask myself why so I can understand if there is a outside reason for it ( I almost said real, but I don't like that, my illness is just as a real reason to be upset as say the cat breaking my favorite cup, instead I shall say outside, something other than my own inner workings) or if my mind is just working overtime and creating these feelings. I ask myself all types of questions. These questions keep me on my toes, make me think, make me realize things.

These questions are especially important when I have a episode. Once long ago I was blind, I didn't see myself, I couldn't see myself. I am not even sure I wanted to at that time. Eventually I began to see though, the outbursts, the pain I was causing, understanding that my feelings were not normal, that they were exaggerated and blown out of proportion.

When I was finally able to see what I was doing a part of me wanted to crawl back into the shadows of my mind and block it out. I didn't want to see how horrible I was to those I loved. I didn't want to see myself turn into this raging maniac who screamed and cussed over something that most likely was petty and stupid, even worse at times was over something that had nothing to even do with what I was really upset about. I turned mole hills into mountains and worse I felt justified in doing so. 

I won't lie it took weeks, months, even years to improve. At first I felt like a spectator watching a show, a horror show, where I was the villain. Worse part was at first all I could do was watch. I couldn't stop myself. I would be literally in my head screaming at myself to shut up and hear myself go on and on and on. Eventually of course I would wind down and then of course would come the tears, the guilt, begging whoever was my victim to forgive me. 

This happened over and over and I would swear to myself I wouldn't do it again and I would. I understand now I always will. The difference is now my episodes last minutes not hours or worse days, and they are few once a month or less, not almost daily like they once were.  I also now usually see within the first 5-10 minutes that my anger or emotions are not normal, that I have entered a episode. 

Think of it like this because its about as close as I can come to explaining it. There is a me standing on a ledge and another me a safe distance away and the safe me is watching the maniac on the ledge screaming at the world (usually somebody close to me).  The safe me realizes I am going over the edge and begins to talk me down. I do this by noticing triggers I have set up in my head. Sort of like what people who lucid dream do, reality checks that let me know something isn't as it should be.

Here are the few key triggers/reality checks I have noticed and that clue me in to the fact that I am having a episode.
  • I scream to get my point across (normally, I raise my voice but don't scream)
  • I contradict myself, and often more than once.
  • I cuss literally 5 times more than my normal rate, if severe up to 10 times.
  • I am overly defensive, pushing the person I am screaming at away from me. Putting up this invisible wall as if I am trying to protect myself from them as if they are the enemy. I literally feel threatened.

Any time I see one of these I take notice of myself, to see what I am doing, to ask myself questions and talk myself down off that ledge. Don't get me wrong this doesn't always happen immediately, sometimes it takes several triggers for me to put it all together that I am in a episode. Remember a part of me doesn't want to see it. I had to train myself to see these. Watch myself go through episode after episode and see what they had in common and that means somebody was the victim of those episodes.

 It was hard work to get to where I am but I am proud to be here. My episodes are a maximum now of about a hour give or take a few here and there and a minimum of literally 15-20 minutes.  I went from a episode of almost everyday in my late teens to mid 20's to now less than once a month on a good run and only once or twice on a bad run. They are less than 10 a year now for my severe episodes and considering how just 10 years ago they were 10 or more a month that were severe and even 3-4 a month just 4 years ago I feel I have really come a long way. 

Again I am not saying this was easy by no means and that includes for anyone around me. I mostly went it alone except for a short amount of counseling I got after my fourth daughter. I honestly don't recommend going it alone. I recommend a good councilor, somebody who understands how you wish to go about your treatment and is willing to work with you to reach your goals. I don't take meds and am a firm believer that not all of us need them, though if you are going it no meds, you should keep in mind it will be harder, it means a lot of self discipline and in that time of learning about yourself you are going to make mistakes and you are going to hurt those around you. Decide if that is worth it. Talk to them, educate them, take them to counseling with you. Don't assume they understand, they don't.

Not saying meds is a easy route either because it isn't but if you are severe than you should speak to a professional and find out what is in your best interest. What works for me might not work for you. Keep a open mind about your options. I think many of us just want to feel better, to be a better person. For some this means meds, and that is okay. For others you may be able to go it with a lot of self discipline as I do. But please do your homework and don't choose lightly, educate yourself and those around you.

I am going to try to blog more often. I promised this would be a honest look at myself and my bipolar and I still very much want it to be, but you will have to bare with me until I grow more comfortable talking about things I have kept to myself for so long. 

Today is a good day. Took me 3 days to get this blog done because I am still coasting on a manic though I feel it slowly winding back down. Still its at the point of ..facebook, candycrush, oh so and so did this..oh that reminds me I need to look that up..Dr Who, oh I am thirsty..walks upstairs, talk to hubby, oh what is he watching..spends 20 minutes there..walks back down..wait forgot drink..back upstairs..hungry..fix something to eat..back down..oh blog..works on blog, Dr Who again..hmm..Rift...look up buildings for ideas to build in my dimension...Facebook sounds..Ooo..check Facebook... And well you get the point, my mind just shifts repeatedly sometimes so focusing can be a bit of a chore. On even a low day I multitask 1-3 things..on a manic it can be 5-10 or even more. It can be hard to get anything done like that and yet at the same time I usually accomplish more than ever. So I am not to hard on myself. I know if its important I will get it done and what can wait will. 

And I will stop here before I ramble you guys to death. Gotta love the ramblings of a manic. *laughs* Take care guys! I will leave you with the following.

Thursday, October 10, 2013


What I wouldn't give for a good nights sleep. I say this statement often because you see I don't get many. It's not that I don't try. I have been on prescription meds, taken over the counter sleeping pills, drank teas and smoothies, hot baths, meditated, no caffeine or other stimulates, even worn myself out in order to try to catch that elusive good nights sleep and...NOTHING.

I do realize that part of my problem is my weight. So I will go ahead and put that out there. I have to get up several times a night to make trips to the restroom and I just don't breath well when I sleep. But even when I was young and skinny, I never slept well. I remember my mom getting down behind me for reading under my covers at night til 2 and 3am because I had school the next morning.

Another part of the problem is my mind doesn't rest. I mean literally I can practically feel the wheels in my head spinning. So even if my body goes to sleep my mind just keeps whirling and whirling. My dreams are vivid and in all my senses. For the record most people only dream in one or two senses. Dreaming in all senses is rare. I can see why, its like being awake when you aren't awake and when you finally do wake, you are just as tired as you were when you went to bed.

Its enough to make anyone want to scream in frustration!

What makes it worse is its harder for me to sleep at night than during the morning to noon or evening to early night hours. I can be dead tired all day and it hit midnight and its like this magic button is pressed and BAM I am wide awake until 4am. This is made worse when on a manic and my mind feels crammed with ideas and I keep thinking, just one more this or let me finish that.

I know some of you may say go to bed around 9 or 10pm then. Sounds like a good idea doesn't it. Well I have tried it and guess what..yep..somewhere between midnight and 2am I wake up and can't get back to sleep. I have repeatedly put myself on a proper bedtime schedule just to have it slowly but surely revert back to its usual can't sleep at night self. 

Now the reason I am posting this in NRNR is because sleep is important..here are a few things that happens when you don't sleep. As you can tell this isn't good even for a normal person. Now add Bipolar to that mix..and well I think you are starting to see the big picture.

In the short term:
  • Decreased Performance and Alertness: Sleep deprivation induces significant reductions in performance and alertness. Reducing your nighttime sleep by as little as one and a half hours for just one night could result in a reduction of daytime alertness by as much as 32%.
  • Memory and Cognitive Impairment: Decreased alertness and excessive daytime sleepiness impair your memory and your cognitive ability -- your ability to think and process information.
  • Stress Relationships: Disruption of a bed partner's sleep due to a sleep disorder may cause significant problems for the relationship (for example, separate bedrooms, conflicts, moodiness, etc.).
  • Poor Quality of Life: You might, for example, be unable to participate in certain activities that require sustained attention, like going to the movies, seeing your child in a school play, or watching a favorite TV show.
  • Occupational Injury: Excessive sleepiness also contributes to a greater than twofold higher risk of sustaining an occupational injury.
  • Automobile Injury: The National Highway Traffic Safety Administration (NHTSA) estimates conservatively that each year drowsy driving is responsible for at least 100,000 automobile crashes, 71,000 injuries, and 1,550 fatalities.

In the long term, the clinical consequences of untreated sleep disorders are large indeed. They are associated with numerous, serious medical illnesses, including:
  • High blood pressure
  • Heart attack
  • Heart failure
  • Stroke
  • Obesity
  • Psychiatric problems, including depression and other mood disorders
  • Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD)
  • Mental impairment
  • Fetal and childhood growth retardation
  • Injury from accidents
  • Disruption of bed partner's sleep quality
  • Poor quality of life

As you can see, especially in the long term this would most certainly have a profound effect on you if you already have a mental disorder that causes some of the same issues listed. This issues would be compounded and could really make life difficult. 

I highly recommend if you can sleep, get a good nights rest each night. It is important for your well being including your mental health.  I rarely get a good nights sleep but I keep trying to anyway.

Next week I am putting myself on a schedule as I feel that it is the next step in balancing myself. Feel free to join me for my rant that I am sure will be forthcoming. Til then Rest Well.

I will leave you with this..which is pretty accurate except I got to bed around 1am and get up around 8am. It never fails though 7am every morning and I finally drift off into good sleep just to be woke up around 8 and have to get up. Its enough to make you have a melt down. :P

Monday, October 7, 2013


Well last time I spoke on Depression. This time I am going to speak on Manics or Mania of Bipolar Disorder, specifically my own.

What Are the Signs of Mania With Bipolar Disorder?

The signs of mania with bipolar disorder include:
  • Disconnected and racing thoughts
  • Grandiose notions
  • Inappropriate elation
  • Inappropriate irritability
  • Inappropriate social behavior
  • Increased sexual desire
  • Increased talking speed and/or volume
  • Markedly increased energy
  • Poor judgment
  • Severe insomnia
(Taken from WebMD)

What Is Bipolar II Disorder?

While mania is the main characteristic of bipolar I disorder, bipolar II has milder periods of elation known as hypomania. It also has episodes of mild or major depression. According to the DSM-IV, a manual published by the American Psychiatric Association, the difference between mania and hypomania is "the degree of severity."

What Are Signs of Hypomania With Bipolar II Disorder?

Signs of hypomania with bipolar II disorder include:
  • Decreased need for sleep
  • Extreme focus on projects at work or at home
  • Exuberant and elated mood
  • Increased confidence
  • Increased creativity and productivity
  • Increased energy and libido
  • Reckless behaviors
  • Risk-taking behaviors
(Taken from WebMD)

When I was first diagnosed I sounded more like the top one when on a manic including poor judgement even though I would have never admitted that at the time. Now after years of working on myself and trying to balance myself, most of my symptoms sound more like the second list though I still feel I also have some from the first. I would say I am somewhere in between.

The thing is I -love- my manics. I have all this energy, great ideas, and I just feel overall better. I accomplish more in a few days of a manic then I do in weeks otherwise. This is often the case and why it is hard for some with bipolar to get help or stick with it once they do.

Sadly though it does have its drawbacks. Most often I get -too- many ideas. So many that I can't possible start and finish them all..or any of them to be honest. I have lost count how many times I have started ten or more projects while on a manic..that were never finished. 

I also get highly irritable especially if I am doing a project and am interrupted. I literally want things my way. Some of you may laugh and say all women want their way. That may be so. Not all women though go into a melt down and throw a tantrum like a two year old when they don't get it. I can and feel justified in doing so at the time. I understand that life isn't all about me, except when I don't.

In the past I have made poor decisions choosing to spend time with the wrong people, going to the wrong places, doing the wrong things, and honestly putting myself in really bad situations where I could have gotten hurt or worse. I didn't care at the time, I just wanted to go go go, do do do. 

I remember in my late teens and 20's that I would go days off of little to no sleep and I don't mean 6 hours a day or 4 hours a day..I mean 2- 4 hours in a 72 hour period. I drank regularly, I partied, I even blacked out on occasion with no memory of the night before. I had my fair share of sex even using it to make myself feel better, almost like a drug. Now don't get me wrong I didn't sleep with anyone and everyone which is actually not unusual for someone bipolar. Most of my sex was with my boyfriend with a exception or two. I can still count on my hands how many people I have had sex with. I am proud of that fact since from all I have read about people with this illness having multiple sex partners is common.

I honestly at that time just figured I was a typical young person and didn't think much of it. I also though didn't see how my actions affected others around me, how worried everyone was.I didn't see the danger I put myself in or how things could have gone really wrong. My Psychologist said he believed I was a subconscious suicide, that I wouldn't go out of my way to take my own life but I didn't care if I died either which is why I put myself into situations where it could possibly happen. I thought that the world would be better off without me but I didn't want to leave my love ones feeling guilty. Dying by what would seem a accident would relieve them of any guilt that one would associate with suicide. To be honest that made sense to me.

I put this in the manic section because unlike conscious suicides I was more likely to do the dangerous crazy stuff while on a manic hence more likely to put myself in the situation to die during a manic then when I was during a depressant phase. Depressed I thought I deserved to die but didn't have the drive to do anything about it. I felt I deserved to have to suffer rather than make my family suffer if I were to kill  myself and leave them with that guilt. In a manic I just didn't care if died, I didn't really think about it but I did feel I wasn't important and nobody cared so if I did die nobody would miss me. Heck I figured the world would be better off without me most of the time. Even during Manics where I felt like I could do or be anything, that I was capable of anything. At the back of my mind I always had the nagging thought that it would never be good enough to those I wanted it to be, no matter how great I was, no matter what I might accomplish.

Now days I am not nearly as bad. My destructive behavior is limited. I rarely drink and now only when social in a controlled environment and only when in a good mood with no alternative reason. From time to time I still get those nagging feelings of low self worth but I have an amazing family who is quick to let me know just how much I am worth to them and though my mind wants to argue, for the most part it loses. I still have episodes from time to time but they are far less than they use to be. I don't party anymore, I don't use sex as a fix, and I as I said above I rarely drink. 

I am more aware when I go into a manic and try to find a way to dial it down. I understand having a high manic means a bigger drop when it comes and vice verse, and I try to keep myself as balanced as possible. Its not always possible but keeping myself in check is important, not just for my own sanity but for those around me.

Now I know some of you knew all this stuff about me, but some of you didn't. I said right from the get go that this was going to be a honest look at me and being bipolar and I meant that. Yes some of it is embarrassing but if I can help one person come forward and talk, to get the help they need, to help them see they actually need help and don't have to go it alone, it will be worth it.

I am not perfect, not even in the same vicinity of perfect. And that is Okay!

Saturday, October 5, 2013


I will start with this quote I found:

“Others imply that they know what it is like to be depressed because they have gone through a divorce, lost a job, or broken up with someone. But these experiences carry with them feelings. Depression, instead, is flat, hollow, and unendurable. It is also tiresome. People cannot abide being around you when you are depressed. They might think that they ought to, and they might even try, but you know and they know that you are tedious beyond belief: you are irritable and paranoid and humorless and lifeless and critical and demanding and no reassurance is ever enough. You're frightened, and you're frightening, and you're "not at all like yourself but will be soon," but you know you won't.”
Kay Redfield Jamison, An Unquiet Mind: A Memoir of Moods and Madness

I felt this was very accurate description. Often people say I am just depressed because I had a bad day at work, or I am depressed because I failed my test.

But Depression is not a adjective. It is not just a word used to describe how upset or sad someone may feel. It is a real illness that affects millions of people each and every day.
So many of us with this illness feel alone. Often you are -not- really alone but depression makes you feel like you are, even in a crowded room. I know because I have felt like this so many times in my life. 

So often love ones can't understand this. You try to explain but to them it makes no sense. They are right there, they love you, they can't understand why you don't feel it. Well nether can you. You try to feel the love, try to tell yourself you are not alone but the world seems so dark, so cold. You don't feel the love, or caring, or really much of anything. It is like all the good and light is sucked away from you.

It is hard though to tell yourself you are loved and you are not alone, when your mind says nobody gets you. When it tells you nobody understands how hard it is to be you, to go through what you do. When you look in the mirror and see a stranger looking back. When you can't control your thoughts and they just keep coming and you try to get rid of them but they keep coming back, over and over and over again until you hate yourself.

You look at yourself as weak because you lose control and lash out at those you love or you pull away from everyone and make them feel as if you don't care. They can't see you pull away because you are so scared of hurting them yet -again-. 

You put a fake smile on your face and laugh at all the right moments when inside you feel as if you are dying. This deep painful ache that eats you alive. And on the outside you act as if nothing is wrong when on the inside you are screaming and pleading for something to take it all away to put you out of your misery because you don't know how much longer you can continue to pretend.

That is Depression, an emptiness you feel in side filled only with negative thoughts that eat away at you until you are willing to do anything to get rid of the pain. I have turned to both Sex and Drinking to try to fill this void, to take away the never ending thoughts even for just a few moments. Others do drugs, cut themselves, put themselves in dangerous situation or worse. 

Having someone there to understand helps, knowing that you have a illness helps, educating yourself and others in ways to cope, seeking out a professional for advice, and when necessary even taking medication are all ways to help. 

Please if you have depression and have not done so already seek professional help. If you know someone who is depressed please encourage them to seek help and educate yourself, stand by them, show them they are not alone even if they act like they don't want you to. 

Depression is hard on everyone, the person who is depressed and those who care and love that person but we are stronger together.

Friday, October 4, 2013


This is true. Please if you have a loved one or friend and they are going through something you do not understand. Reach out to them. Tell them you don't understand but that you want to. Its more important than you know.

Thursday, October 3, 2013


Please Note I have included a Disclaimer for my site. Please read it especially the included Medical Disclaimer. 

I am not a professional nor a doctor, nor am I claiming to be. Please if you feel you have a mental illness or are sick in any way seek out a professional for help. 

Any advice given in this blog or any pages from No Rain No Rainbow and/or its owner should be taken as you would from a friend or family member and used with caution and preferably after you have talked it over with your doctor and her/she has okay-ed it.

You agree if you read and take any advice from me, my subscribers, or my contributors without first seeking professional help from a certified doctor, you will not hold No Rain No Rainbow and/or its owner, subscribers, or contributors responsible for any unfavorable outcome.

I am just a woman who lives everyday with a mental illness trying to help spread the word, educate people, and help bring together those with mental illness with their loved ones. 

What has worked for me, may not work for you!

Though I prefer -not- to be on medications. I do believe they help many people and that it should be something you talk about with your doctor to make an informed decision about. 

If you disagree with any of these statements and/or the Disclaimer. Please leave the site and do not return.

Thank you.
No Rain No Rainbow
Jenn Purdie-Paulson

A time to mourn and a time to heal.

Now is the time to mourn:

I want this blog to be a very real look inside of my head. It won't always be pretty in fact it can get down right ugly and embarrassing. I feel though I can't help others to come forward and reach out to their love ones, their friends, if I am not honest, if I don't show them that hiding hurts them and those around them. 

People need to see how ugly this illness can be. They also need to see how beautiful it can be. It is a contradiction, a blessing, a curse. We hate it and at the same time we love it. Our manics make us on top of the world and we want to fly among the clouds but eventually we are like Icarus and we fly to high just to crash into the ground in pain and misery and what feels like ultimate failure. Failure as a friend, a girlfriend, a boyfriend, a wife, a husband, a mother, a father, but mostly just a failure as a person.

To start I always felt I could control my bipolar, crazy I know. But that is just it, I was and am crazy. Some of you won't like that word, won't like that I used it to describe myself or my illness. I don't care, if you want to be coddled, find another blog, another page. You won't get that here.  

This is dictionary.com's definition of CRAZY:


[krey-zee] Show IPA adjective, cra·zi·er, cra·zi·est, noun, plural cra·zies.
1.mentally deranged; demented; insane.
2.senseless; impractical; totally unsound: a crazy scheme.
3.Informal. intensely enthusiastic; passionately excited: crazy about baseball.
4.Informal. very enamored or infatuated (usually followed by about  ): He was crazy about her.
5.Informal. intensely anxious or eager; impatient: I'm crazy to try those new skis.

Hell I am all of those crazies. Seriously though in my mind I knew I -got- out of control, but I thought I could handle it, I could deal with it. I didn't want meds (still don't) and was willing to suffer to not be put on them. What I didn't realize is I wasn't the only one suffering at that time. 

Mind you when I got with my husband I told him I was unstable, mentally and emotionally. That I was sure I was bipolar though I admitted I had not got diagnosed. I warned him of my outbursts and that I was bat shit crazy at times. I want this known so that no one gets the idea he went into this relationship without any knowledge of what he was getting into. Sadly rose colored glasses abound for some. 

 I recently found out my husband of 9 years and partner for 14 never -got- my sickness. That the truth is for about 6 years he thought that because I didn't get formally diagnosed that I wasn't sick at all. He excused my earlier outbursts with the stress I had due to my first husband, of leaving him and not being able to see my kids. He then thought that my outbursts were his fault, that he brought them on himself.  Finally when he ran out of excuses for me he just thought I was purposely trying to hurt him, a bitch taking my anger and frustration out out on him. 

I am saddened by this, more than any words could ever convey. What I must have seemed like to him, I can't imagine to be honest. How I must have looked in his eyes, this woman he loved who one minute acted like he was the most amazing man in the world to her and the next was cussing and accusing him of whatever her imagination could feed her into thinking he was doing to hurt her.I also feel betrayed. The one person I thought would be honest with me..never was.

I sit with this new information and I have a hard time wrapping my mind around it all. I ask him and myself why didn't he just tell me? Why didn't he just ask me to go get help? Though I suppose if he thought I wasn't sick, he thought I didn't need help. That I was just this out of control bitch that when I couldn't take the stress used him as my emotional target practice. To a degree this is true but it was not done in the malicious purposeful manner in which he perceived it. He was my world, my leaning post, and this put a bull's eye on him.

Don't get me wrong I knew I hurt my husband (boyfriend at the time) when I had the outbursts but I would apologize and he would always say it was okay and I thought he understood that I was sick and that it wasn't personal. I thought even though I would lose control from time to time, that he understood that I would never hurt him on purpose. So many times I had said I am sorry, that I wasn't in control, that I felt justified at the time and for those first few years he always told me he knew and that it was okay. So I thought it was..it wasn't!

After almost 6 years into our relationship, after the birth of our second child, I finally got severe enough in my sickness even I knew I could no longer go it alone and I finally gave in and went to seek help. Six months after my daughter was born I was diagnosed with Postpartum Depression and allowed my caregiver to make a appointment with a Psychologist to seek professional advice.

A few visits later and I was officially diagnosed as Bipolar.  I tried to be put on medication. I didn't want to but I was willing to do anything to get better, to stop the feelings and thoughts I had, to stop my destructive behavior. Unfortunately I got worse instead of better, I fell into a deep depression. I went from my destructive thoughts to not caring at all. All I wanted to do was sleep and cry and for the first time in my life I thought about killing myself. Up to this point I unlike a majority of bipolar patients I had not wanted to kill myself. With my meds though I felt alone, isolated, unloved, unwanted and I wanted nothing to do with my children or my husband. I was thankful to be living my my parents who helped with the kids because I admit I just wasn't capable. Finally I stopped the medication and called my Psychologist up and told him that I did, and why and that I wouldn't go on any more.

Soon after we moved into our own place but by this time my marriage was falling apart. It didn't happen over night and for years I did everything to get his attention, as woman I pulled out all the stops. I seriously thought at times he was cheating on me (he wasn't), that maybe it was my weight or I wasn't being sexy enough, or the thousands of reason a woman comes up with to explain why her husband isn't paying her attention or wants nothing to do with her. Nothing worked and it got worse until finally I gave up. By this time we didn't even argue, hell that in some ways would have been better. We didn't even speak some days more than a few words, necessary words to be honest. Things about the kids, the bills, etc. My husband had over the years pulled away from me and now there was a grand canyon between us. We were practically like strangers living in the same house, raising children together. 

What bothers me the most about this slow decent into nothing is that I asked over and over did he think I needed help, did he think I should be on meds. I asked him was I the problem and over and over and over and over he said NO, it wasn't me.

Now I know it WAS ME! He was so busy trying -not- to hurt me that he hurt us. I explained to him that he fed into my delusion that I was okay, that I could handle it myself by not telling me. I am having a hard time understanding how he could go 14 years and never say a word about not understanding, never tell me he believed all those years I wasn't sick, that he would suffer in silence and watch our relationship dwindle away into barely a speck of what it started out.

Don't get me wrong, I understand he suffered. I know he could have left at anytime and he didn't and for that I give him all the credit and kudos in the universe. I know I made his life a living hell and yet he is still here. That being said I still feel I have a right to be upset that the man I put my confidence in, the man I was honest with..was never honest with me. That he let me believe for 14 years that he understood me and he didn't, still doesn't. He admits even now knowing I was right that I am sick, he still can't wrap his mind around the whole thing. He is though at least trying now and I am trying to educate him.

My advice to those out there: Don't let this happen to you. If you are bipolar, get help, take those important with you to counseling. Educate them. Don't just accept they understand -just- because they say they do, just because they forgive you over and over, or tell you its okay. It is never truely okay and they will never truly understand. It's not their fault. Unless they are also bipolar or have a similar sickness, their mind just can't comprehend what someone who does, goes through. But at least you can try to educate them so they will know you are sick, know that you would never hurt them on purpose, and maybe they can see it more objectively if they realize you have a REAL problem. Education is important for both yourself and those who love you. 

NOW is the time to heal.

Wednesday, October 2, 2013

Hard to Believe for many of you.

Why I started this blog.

It has come to my attention that after 37 years of my life and over half of that being bi-polar that even the people whom I have loved the most don't understand my sickness. I am deeply saddened by this but feel this is a opportunity to educate all those who think "she is just a bitch" or "if she doesn't want to do bad things, she wouldn't" or even worse "she isn't really sick, she just wants an excuse to do as she pleases". Sometimes as bad as those misunderstandings about me have been, I wish one or hell even all of them were true instead of the truth and that is I AM Bi-polar.

I also do not take meds. I tried once but I was worse on them and yes perhaps I should give them another chance but I have seen those on meds, seen friends walk around with lackluster stares not caring about anything. Not happy, not sad, not mad, emotionally closed off and empty inside. So yea blame me if you wish for not being medicated to the max but I rather live as the cold-hearted bitch you think I am then feel nothing at all.

 I am also fairly certain I have Borderline Personality Disorder though I have not been officially diagnosed as I have not been to a doctor in some years. So yes that is a self diagnoses and you can believe it or you can use a phrase above and think I am just trying to make excuses. 

I have come though to realize though that you are not in my head, so you will never know what I truly go through and unless you have either of these sicknesses or something similar, you can not and never will truly understand. To you it may always seem as a excuse, a cope out, a reason to do or say all the horrible things I do or say.

But you don't live with the self hate I have. You don't wake up and pray today will be one of the good days and you won't cry all day, or you won't be so irritable you are scared to be around your children. You don't think daily of all the pain you have caused those closest to you and know you will never truly be able to fix the damage you have done and hope they know how sorry you truly are. You don't look in the mirror and know that there is another you just waiting in the shadows to pounce, to take control and ruin everything you have worked so hard for and that even though you fight yourself with every once of strength that you have, there are days you lose and when you lose, so does everyone you love.

You don't feel out of control, hear yourself screaming at someone you love, accusing them of things, cussing them, defending yourself against a delusion created in your head that -they- are the enemy and have done something horrible to hurt you and you are just defending yourself, when in reality what they did was no big deal, but your mind has twisted a innocent word, or friendship, or action into a ugly distorted picture of lies and deceit making the person you loved just moments ago in your eyes the person who deserves to be punished for hurting you. And when you realize it, it is to late, you have said things you can never take back, words to cut that person to the core, because you know them so well, and they are looking at you heartbroken, shock in their eyes, or worse anger because they are tired, tired of you and your outbursts, tired of putting up with your emotional roller-coaster.

At that moment you would do anything to take away the pain you have caused and you cry and beg them to forgive you and tell them repeatedly you didn't mean it, and try hard to explain that you weren't in control, that for those moments you were lost in a mindset that your feelings of betrayal were justified and they say it is okay, but its not and it never will be and deep inside you know this and you hate yourself for it and you promise yourself it won't happen again but at some point it will happen again, it always does.

I once said that being bi-polar was like walking up a steep hill of sand with hurricane force winds pushing against you, no matter how hard you tried you keep slipping back down the hill.

I am not making excuses, no matter how many of you out there want to think that. I have done some horrible things. But I have also worked hard to become a better person. To balance myself as much as possible. I took my episodes that use to last hours even a day or two down to less than a hour. I usually recognize one in 20 minutes or less now. I went from having these episodes every day to having one every couple of weeks, til once a month and now the large outbursts are less than once a month. I worked hard to get where I am. A constant battle. I taught myself trigger words, actions so that when I am standing there screaming insanity my mind will pick up on these triggers and alert me that something isn't right, get me to question myself.  I work at keeping my manics as low as possible so my depression states are high as possible and that I actually have normal days, well as normal as my days can get. I still go through a routine of self checks each day just to make sure. My normal day just means I am not overly sad or happy. For those few days I just am.

I am not perfect, I never will be, but for those of you who think you know, in reality you have no idea and sadly for most of you, you never will because in reality you rather think I am some bitch then believe I am really am sick and no matter what I say or do for some of you that will never change.